It has been a while since I wrote on my blog the last time. I think I stopped writing on it during the summer cause I felt like I wasn't holy enough to share things with others. Earlier this year I posted a blog about how God wants to persue us and that we don't need a man or a woman to feel complete but to be honest I totally failed on that one=). A lot of my friends got engaged during the summer and my best friend got married. I felt lonely, not beautiful and also tired of saving my purity. I got angry at God, started smoking again, didn't have pure thoughts at all and just wanted to do it my way. Most of it was just happening in my head, so I can gladly say, God protects me so faithfully, even in all my weak moments.
I am really hard on myself. So i judged myself a lot and everytime i smoked a cigarette I felt terrible. I also didn't want to go back to YWAM(Youth With A Mission,working as a missionary) cause I thought everybody is gonna point at me and tell me how bad I am. So when I arrived in LA I judged everybody around me cause I thought they judge me! But the more I shared my heart with people about how my summer was, how bad I felt and how I started smoking again, the more I felt people loving on me and having tons of grace! That was probably just God speaking to me through all my fellow missionaries.
I didn't know what to expect from the 3 months I was going to be in LA. I am halfway through and it has been hard but so amazing. I stopped smoking, so praise the Lord, and God has brought me to a place of brokenness, surrender and total dependence on him!
I have learned that nothing in the whole wide world will ever satisfy me but him. Clothes, Money, Car, Job, Family, Friends, Husband, Kids nothing in this world can give me the fullfillment he is able to give me!
It doesn't matter how much attention from guys I get during the day. At night I will still lay in my bed and be empty and insecure.
If the whole world rejects me, makes fun of me or says I am a freak I must be content with that cause I have Jesus on my side. It blows my mind how much peace he has given me over my future, my outward looks but also my personality since I try to only depend on his thoughts over me and my life.
I am so serious about this. I am tired of Satan stealing us children of God the joy of life. I am tired of seeing Girls giving away their purity for love. Or starving to death cause they think they don't fit into the worldy standards of beauty. Tired of girls hating on eachother cause of jealousy and comparism. I am tired of girls using every guy that comes their way to fill their empty hearts. I am tired of seeing guys flirting with girls and charm them because their to insecure to actually treat them like daughters of the most high king.
But what I want to see is Girls walking in freedom and using their full potential to build God's Kingdom without thinking their not good enough. I want to see them treating men like their brothers. Being their helper, encourager, comforter and listener!
I want to see men rising up to leaders, preachers, fathers, brothers, teachers and rolemodels God has made them to be. I want to see them treating women as their sisters, mothers and dauthers. Loving on them with a pure heart!
I am ready for the fight and I know I am victorious. But I can't give up and I gotta have my eyes only on Jesus. That's how I am gonna win this battle!
