Don't Awaken Love Until It's Right

Last night I was laying in bed! Just thinking about the way I have fallen in love with my God. It happened the last 3-4 months. I can only guess it was the grace of God that let it happen. Cause I've tried to fall in love with Jesus before. I thought it has to work the way we fall in love with the opposite sex. I thought it would feel the same to fall in love with God. Cause it is the only thing I can compare it to right?! So I've tried many times not to look at guys anymore and just forcing myself to have butterflies thinking about God. It never really worked and I ended up being so empty cause id didn't give me the attention I desired. But like I said IT didn't give me the attention. Of course it wouldn't, cause I was so interested in what I could get and so focused on forcing myself not to be human, instead of just being interested in God as my friend and lover. But we are humans and God made us and the opposite sex. And it is okay to look and to get to know someone. But we cannot live by it. It cannot rule our lives. God put the desire of not being alone into our hearts and he will fulfill it at the right time.

I pushed myself to fall in love with God the same way I would fall in love with a guy, and it didn't work over and over again. I got so frustrated and dissappointed. I thought something is wrong with me and I will never be content with just being single and it scared me!! It litteraly scared the crap out of me! Cause you know how people say "you know when I finally was done with relationships and I was just content with God, He brought my spouse into my life"! And I just thought to myself, I guess I will be alone my whole life. Cause I've said many times I am done and I've tried to fall in love with God but it didn't work. So I guess my destiny is to feel alone and to struggle with everything that comes with loneliness and I will die as an old virgin.

But then in the fall 2012, like some of you know, I went to YWAM LA for another quarter(the last one for a while). I was super frustrated about myself and I felt like a failure and just not content with who I am and where I was at, at that point. But I surrendered it all to God AGAIN. I didn't hold anything back. I was so done with everything! I surrendered my failure, my addiction to cigarettes, my loneliness, my struggles and my insecurities. And He challenged me in lots of ways. Here are a few main points. He told me if I would lose everything and eveybody on this earth I still gotta be content cause I have him. That was a big thing I had to go through. Even if I have so much and no one died or anything like that I hade to face the fact that it might happen someday. Or if everybody turns their back on me I have to be content with JUST God. And I said "God I am ready. I am content with just you, whatever it takes!" Then He taught me lots about my beauty and identity in Him. God told me that the fact that I am beautiful and his royal princess is a fact not to be changed. And it doesn't depend on an opinion of a guy I think is cute. That was also hard and painful. Cause it feels stinking great if a cute guy tells me I am beautiful. And it isn't wrong but I depended on it for so long that I had to let go of it. God thinks I am beautiful and that's enough. Cause what if a cute guy would say I am ugly. I would eventually believe it. God in his grace taught me step by step to focus my eyes on him. He didn't expect of me not to look at good looking men anymore but to focus my eyes and heart on him of whats true about myself!And in this whole process of learning I have fallen in love with him. Cause I have focused on him as a friend and not as someone who can give me something. So I asked God for a scripture this morning that would go with this post and before I was done praying He gave me Song of Songs 3. Hahahah and it is perfect! God is so good!

One night as I lay in bed, I yearned for my lover. I yearned for him, but he did not come. So I said to myself, "I will get up and roam the city, Sarching in all its streets and squares, I will search for the one I love." So I searched everywhere but did not find him. The watchmen stopped me as they made their rounds, and I asked, "Have you seen the one I love?" Then scarcely had I left them when I found my love! I caught and held him tightly, then I brought him to my mother's House, into my mother's bed, where I had been conceived. Promise me, O women of Jerusalem, by the gazelles and wild deer, not to awaken love until the time is right! Song of Songs 3: 1-5

It fits cause so many nights I felt alone and thought of when I will be able to share my bed with someone! I felt ampty and unloved. I ran around looking for my lover but he was always right with me! Then I found him and took him home to my parents's house and when I lay in bed now I just feel content and loved. And if you believe it or not I get sometimes butterflies when I think about God.

Women and men, don't awaken love until it's right. I believe now, that God will awaken love in our hearts if we trust him and ask for wisdom in every step we take. And if the right man or woman has arrived in our lives He will certainly awaken love in our hearts and give us the green light to be persued or persue!!