Beauty from Ashes

It has been way too long again since I've written a post on here. Life has been busy and to be honest I love having a full agenda. But it also makes it hard for me as super extrovert to just step back and get some time alone or write a blog=)

Lots of things have happened in this last 1-2 months. I have realized that I was super overwhelmed with my job as store manager. On my days off I couldn't really relax. I was always afraid of what the next week might bring. When my brother got married, ( yes he married a wonderful woman and I am so excited to see where God will take the two of them) I was off of work for for days. On the first day I got a call from a boss and she wasn't pleased with me. You gotta understand, I put my whole energy into the store and tried my best, but I was really overwhelmed. Well, after the call I was so said and I pretty much cried all night long. The next day on my brothers actual wedding day I was able to turn of my thoughts. And the day was beautiful!

But on day 3 and 4 I couldn't stop thinking about my job. I thought if I would quit the job as store manager I would give up, or run away or just be a failure. But then I thought of continue to fight and I didn't have peace about it either. I met with a good friend of mine and one of the helpers of Beauty Arise Switzerland. She asked me lots of questions. Questions I didn't want to hear or didn't want to answer.
She told me that she knows I can do it and that I always stand up for others and myself and she doesn't get why I would give up now. I couldn't answer it... but then she said another comment/questions. And I didn't want to hear it, it sounded something like that: "since a month you have been talking more about going back into missions and going back to LA and I feel like since then you lost more strength to fight for the job."

DANG...!! I didn't want to hear it. I felt like it was so right to be in switzerland and stay here. I am investing my time and heart in my church, into my friends and into Beauty Arise! I am working and building relationships and still the desire to go back into missions didn't leave me. So I told her that I feel like I will go back into missions someday rather sooner than later. And that investing all of my time and energy into my job breaks my heart when I think about all the times I could invest in family and friends espacially cause those days might be counted.... The only thing my friend answered was "I think we all know you will leave again but we try to ignore it because we don't like it out of selfish ways, we just want you here." ( I love her!!!)

The next day I went to work and called my boss and told her that I would like to step back, keep working for them but not as store manager. Her answer was that she felt that I was overwhelmed and she wanted to make me an offer. So I was freed from the position as store manager on pretty much the same day and got offered to work in a different location like 5 minutes from my house.
As soon I wasn't in the position anymore I felt a big weight falling off of me. I feel like I am able to enjoy my days off again. It seems like I can FULLY enjoy the times with my friends and families cause there isn't the thought in the back of my mind what I gotta do at work next week.

So I hope I am not making you feel bored by reading all of this. But I guess why I wrote it is I needed time to process and writing it down helps sometimes. AND there is a scripture in Romans 8:28 and it says God works everything together for good, for those who love him. It makes sense to me. Cause I don't know if it was the right decision to leave Ywam LA last fall. I thought so. And seriously I have never felt as close to God as I feel right now.
Was it right to step back as store manager? I don't know but I trust God that he will work it toghether for my good cause I do love him!
Is it his plan that I will go back to LA one day? Again, I don't know. The only thing I know is that I treasure every minute with my loved ones here cause there is a desire for me to go back into missions. I can't deny it. People around me see it and feel it and tell me. I can feel it. My brother and his wife who were hanging out with my friends in LA on their honeymoon told me they think my place is there. Do I like it?

I LOVE IT and at the same time I HATE IT!
I love it cause it gives me assurance that it might be God's plan for me to serve him in LA. I love it cause I have wonderful friends over there that miss me and want to work with me. I love it cause I loved every day that I worked with YWAM! I loved it cause I have been to places that I've never dreamed of seeing. I love it cause I can spend time with people who need God desperetly
BUT I HATE IT cause it means to leave my friends here. It means to not be with my family. It means to not celebrate birthdays with them. It means to not always celebrate christmas with them. It means that I might not experience the birth of all my nephews and nieces. It means I can just call my mom and dad or brothers and sister or friends to say "hey can I step by really quick, I want to see you! It means that I won't see my cute little Godson grow older!
Sometimes I asked God why he has put missions on my heart. Cause it might be possible that I feel torn apart the rest of my life cause I have to families on two sides of the world. I will always miss one or the other. But he also might know that I can handle it. And maybe he has much bigger plans for me cause I only see what I can imagine but he can defenetely surpass my imagination! And I will trust him!!

I hope these words or the story of my life somehow encourages you in your walk with God! Cause he IS faithful!!