Feeling lonely

New Years Eve!! How nice would it be not to show up alone to another New Years Eve party. Dang, how many more years will it be that way....

Those were my thoughts. I prayed that God would make me feel so beatuiful and NOT alone. My friend picked me up to go to the party and I shared my struggle with her. She was listening and encouraged me.
When I got to our friends house where the party was held, it was filled with people. Of course mostly couples, married people, pregnant wifes and little children. My insecurtiy raised like 100%! Oh and not even 30 minutes after we got there I sat with two married girls and a 3 girl showed up that is in a relationship. She sat down her cheeks glowing. Super excited she tells us how her boyfriend just proposed to her in the morning. I was so happy for them but somehow my heart ached.
I forced a smile and congratulated her. But the only thing I wanted to do was leaving the party and just cry.
Successfully I held back my tears and a little later I talked to my friend agian. The one I shared my struggle with in the car earlier that evening.

Satan wanted to make my evening really terrible. He wanted to make cigarettes, alcohol and seeking my attention in men look really attractive, cause that would have been super comforting in that moment.But God was there with me. He heard my prayer before the party. The Lord knows my heart. And he doesn't let satan get to close to me.

My friend encouraged me again. She told me how she looks up to me. How she desires that relationship I have with the Lord. She said she loves spending time with me cause she feels so uplifted in those times!

A little later I am sitting next to her husband. He tells me how much transformation he has seen in me. He said I left 3 years ago, to go to LA and I came back as a total different person. Obviously he still recognized the way I looked but he hardly recognized me as a person. I have become so different in a positive way! He sees the way I devote my life to the Lord and everytime his wife comes back after hanging out with me she tells him how much of an awesome time she had. He encouraged me that what I am doing is excatly the right thing. That I might still be single but that I am falling in love with God and that I follow him. He sees how other women look up to me and the relationship I have with Jesus!

Later on I was hanging out with my dear friend Hannah! We had so much fun and all of a sudden she looks at me and tells me how beautiful I am. How my beauy comes from the inside out. And that this makes my outer beauty shine even brighter. She told me how good my body looks and how I am not allowed to doubt that fact!!

Seriously God is so good. I was so insecure and felt lonely. And I thought people might have pity on me and think "What?? She is still alone!! Please God give that woman a husband!!". But I don't think that anybody thought stuff that was even close to what I imagined they would. The ones that told me what they think were excactly God's thoughts about me!
Satan is the fahter of lies! Don't give him room to lie to you but listen to the father of truth. His truth is fullfilling and brings joy, confidence and contentment. I am not alone and neither am I desperate. I have desires but I trust in the Lord who wants only the best at the perfect time for me.

So in the time of waiting, I won't just sit around and wait and be sad about it. I will fight those feeling and live the life of fullness. I will devote my life to the Lord and follow him and encourage as much people as possible around me!
Whatever situation you are in, it is a gift God has given you. He wants to teach you something. So sit in class and learn as much as you can cause it will prepare you for the next gift the Lord will give you!!

Hannah & Me

Sandy that I shared my struggle with

Well that's me enjoying the sun in the swiss mountains=)

Love your enemies

Today i went on a walk in the forest. It was beautfiul weather and I just thought instead of having a time with God in my room, I should go outside and enjoy his beauty.

As I was praying and singing to Him, Jesus reminded me of my last Blog I posted about that he was rich and became poor so we can become rich. 

I was just thinking again of the fact, that Jesus left the riches of heaven to rescue us. I was thinking about the love he has for us, no one can understand. He was here on earth to teach us how to live. While I was meditating on this, my thoughts went all over the place(like always=). But somehow I came to think about my friends and family and people I could pray for. All of a sudden this scripture came to my mind:

But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you!! Matth. 5:44

I should love my enemies?? I should pray for the ones who persecute me?? The ones who lie to me? The ones that talk bad behind my back?? The ones that make/made fun of me?? The ones that broke my heart??

And guess what!? Excactly those ones are the ones we should love/pray for!

Isn't that hard?? Right now I don't think I have a person I have a really hard time with. But I defenetely had before and I am sure I will meet someone like that in my life again! I was just dwelling in that and thinking how it seems so impossible. It is so stinkin hard to love people we really don't want to love. Those we would love to slap in the face! Is it even possible??

And then I went back to the thought I had earlier in the walk. Jesus has a love for us no one can understand. He came to teach us how to live.

And He did it. He did exactly what seems so impossible. He loved his enemies. He prayed for those who persecuted him. He was at the cross for our sins. He was made fun of, beaten and hurt for us. But He didn't chose to cuss, he didn't chose anger BUT he prayed for his enemies! He prayed for the ones that hung him to the cross!

Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they don't know what they are doing." Luke 23:34

I am so blessed to serve a God that knows what I am going through. I am so thankful for the way he speaks to me and that his grace is never ending. Thank you Father for your mercy!!

Thanks for reading my thoughts and what I am learning with God. I wish you a happy new year and may the Lord surprise you lots of times in this upcoming year!

God is generous

So the other day I had my Jesus time. I was reading the Bible in 2nd Corinthians 8, where it talks about the call to generous giving. But as I was reading this following verse my eyes teared up and my heart was filled with deep thankfulness.

"You know the generous grace of our Lord Jesus Christ. Though he was rich, yet for your sakes he became poor, so that by his poverty he could make you rich." 2.Corinthians 8:9

God is so generous!! I am trying no to worry about money, cause God is so generous and He has always given me more than enough. I've always had a bed to sleep in. I had a roof over my head. I've never been so hungry that I could've said "I am starving to death" and I had always enough to wear.
So I look at my life right now and again I have enough! Even more than that. And still all of the things I have here on earth and all the things I am dreaming of is nothing compared to the riches that are waiting for me in heaven. And as we know, Jesus was there. HE HAD IT ALL. He was in a place that must be so beautiful and far greater than we could ever imagine. There was no pain, jealousy, tears, sickness, sadness, hunger, betrayel. But Jesus left that place and became human. He became one of us. He became poor. He had less than we might ever have! And He did it to make us rich!! Something God is teaching me out of this is not that Jesus wants to make me rich in materialism. Of course, he wants me to have a home and clothes to wear and enough food to eat, but he wants to give me something that's far more than that. It is deeper. It is love, peace, joy, fullfillment, grace, patience, kindness and so much more.
Today on Christmas Eve I am so thankful that I have accepted this free gift of God. I want all those things. But God calls me to be generous with my gift. That is why I want to tell people about Jesus. That is why I wanna live a life of generousity, love, patience, kindness, grace, encouraging words for others etc. Cause he has given it to me for free. How could I keep it for myself?
I am just so thankful and I want to remind you to be thankful for everything God has given you. Remember how rich you are in him and be generous with what you have!!
I wish you all a Merry Christmas!!

Reflection of the last 3 months

I don't know if that was ever clear in my posts, but for the last 3 years I have been working for a Missionsorganisation in Los Angeles called Yout With A Mission! In those 3 years I have learned so much about myself, God and his unfailing love for his children. I have staffed in different Discipleship Training Schools and Summerprogramms.

But the last 3 months I had the wonderful opportunity to be a part of a new ministry called Beauty Arise. The ministry is all about teaching women their worth and identity in God. We were 6 girls not really knowing what we are doing but trusting the Lord and being obedient in what He tells us to do!

(From the left to the right: Jessica Hover(Colorado), Alissa Sander(Arizona) Me(Switzerland), Anna Bishop(Idaho), Carrie McMillion(West Virginia), Evi Heilmann(Germany)

The founder of Beauty Arise is Jessica Hover. On this picture we were on a day trip to Big Bear, California.

Jessica & Shaun Hover (married since 4 years)

Her husband Shaun Hover also started something new. A Discipleship Training School called "Calling All Skaters". Like the name says it is for skaters and focused on the skate ministry!

So because the founders of those two ministries are married, we had the last 3 months a house full of skaters seeking the Lord and his truths about themselves and the truth about God and we have 7 girls(1 skatergirl, 6 Beauty Arise girls) seeking truth about their identity and beauty in God.

I just think God has so much humor. He chooses 6 Women who are struggleing with insecurities, finding their identity in God and not in guys, and teaching them truth. He takes them, puts them all together in a house with 10 skater guys and 1 skater girl. He lets them grow in being super honest and open with eachother and uses them to be teachers and friends to other girls AND being godly sisters to all those guys!

I hope this makes sense but I was just so overwhelmed by God. He knows how much I have struggled in my past with guys and finding my identity in them or what they say about me but he trusts me so much that he lets me live with a lot of wonderful, kind, strong, handsom men of God and he placed me in a ministry where I encourage girls to find their true beauty and identity in God. To let him be the fullfillment of their daily life.

God is so good. If he has faith in me to do that, He has faith in you too!!

Well and now after those 3 months of working with those two ministries God has called me back home to Switzerland. I will start Beauty Arise here. I am super nervous about it but it is gonna be great. And i will defenitley keep you updated! I am also applying for work in a clothestore. A fantastic place to encourage women everyday of my life.

So a week ago, after I said goodbye to the family I have gained in LA, I sat at the airport LAX waiting for my flight back home to Switzerlandand. I prayed and looked back on the last 3 months and what God taught me and here is what I wrote in my journal:

Wow, Lord the last 3 months have passed by so fast and yet it feels like it was an eternity. Lord you taught me so much in this short time. I can even see myself how you have changed me and normally just other people see changes right?! I am so thankful for the things you have shown me. You have shown me that you are the absolute number one. Nothing and no one else is more important than you. If everybody would be against me, I gotta be just fine with it cause I have you. You taught me that my beauty doesn't depend on an opinion of a guy. If I like a guy and he thinks I am ugly, that wouldn't mean a thing, cause the fact is, YOU Lord have made me beautiful and perfect.

I learned that it is okay to be attracted to a guy but what I do with it is important. I just gotta trust you with everything. I learned that I gotta check my heart at night when I go to bed and if there is a feeling of dissatisfaction, it is because I have tried to get my attention somewhere else but you!

I've learned that keeping up a relationship with you is not as hard as we always think it is. It just takes a little discipline. It takes a little bit of my time each day. But through that I will stay in tune with your Holy Spirit. I've learned that you'll never set up a future for me of failure but a future of hope. You put me in different and challenging places to train me but also cause you have faith in me and my success!

I've learned to set barriers in friendships between me and guys. I know I am a treasure and no one else but my future husband is allowed to come even close to me!

Lord thank you for this upcoming season. Show me your ways. Teach me and streghten me. Lord you have prepared this season for me to grow! I am the light and the salt in my community and I will give all that I am into this season!

Jessica interviewing me. Main question: "Why am I helping with Beauty Arise?"

On a walk with my lovely mommy!!

Hanging out time with good friends!!

Turn your eyes upon Jesus

It has been a while since I wrote on my blog the last time. I think I stopped writing on it during the summer cause I felt like I wasn't holy enough to share things with others. Earlier this year I posted a blog about how God wants to persue us and that we don't need a man or a woman to feel complete but to be honest I totally failed on that one=). A lot of my friends got engaged during the summer and my best friend got married. I felt lonely, not beautiful and also tired of saving my purity. I got angry at God, started smoking again, didn't have pure thoughts at all and just wanted to do it my way. Most of it was just happening in my head, so I can gladly say, God protects me so faithfully, even in all my weak moments.
I am really hard on myself. So i judged myself a lot and everytime i smoked a cigarette I felt terrible. I also didn't want to go back to YWAM(Youth With A Mission,working as a missionary) cause I thought everybody is gonna point at me and tell me how bad I am. So when I arrived in LA I judged everybody around me cause I thought they judge me! But the more I shared my heart with people about how my summer was, how bad I felt and how I started smoking again, the more I felt people loving on me and having tons of grace! That was probably just God speaking to me through all my fellow missionaries.
I didn't know what to expect from the 3 months I was going to be in LA. I am halfway through and it has been hard but so amazing. I stopped smoking, so praise the Lord, and God has brought me to a place of brokenness, surrender and total dependence on him!
I have learned that nothing in the whole wide world will ever satisfy me but him. Clothes, Money, Car, Job, Family, Friends, Husband, Kids nothing in this world can give me the fullfillment he is able to give me!
It doesn't matter how much attention from guys I get during the day. At night I will still lay in my bed and be empty and insecure.
If the whole world rejects me, makes fun of me or says I am a freak I must be content with that cause I have Jesus on my side. It blows my mind how much peace he has given me over my future, my outward looks but also my personality since I try to only depend on his thoughts over me and my life.
I am so serious about this. I am tired of Satan stealing us children of God the joy of life. I am tired of seeing Girls giving away their purity for love. Or starving to death cause they think they don't fit into the worldy standards of beauty. Tired of girls hating on eachother cause of jealousy and comparism. I am tired of girls using every guy that comes their way to fill their empty hearts. I am tired of seeing guys flirting with girls and charm them because their to insecure to actually treat them like daughters of the most high king.
But what I want to see is Girls walking in freedom and using their full potential to build God's Kingdom without thinking their not good enough. I want to see them treating men like their brothers. Being their helper, encourager, comforter and listener!
I want to see men rising up to leaders, preachers, fathers, brothers, teachers and rolemodels God has made them to be. I want to see them treating women as their sisters, mothers and dauthers. Loving on them with a pure heart!
I am ready for the fight and I know I am victorious. But I can't give up and I gotta have my eyes only on Jesus. That's how I am gonna win this battle!

Child, Never Doupt Your Value

I just watched the series of "The Chronicles of Narnia" for the first time. I don't know why I never watched it before but those are the most amazing movies I've ever seen. But I guess God knows why he never put the desire in my heart to watch it. If I would have watched it 3 or 4 years before now, I don't think I would have understand that much! On my journey with God in the last 3 years, I was able to learn a lot about God the Bible and his truth but I know that we will always be in a process of learning.

In the last few days I couldn't get those movies out of my head. Espacially the relationship the little girl Lucy has with Aslan! In the movie, she is the youngest of the 4 siblings but somehow she always sees Aslan(he represents Jesus) and believes also that He is always with them. I am the youngest in my family and I have 3 siblings. My oldest brother goes his way with God but my other brother and my sister struggle a lot. Sometimes it is so hard to see that and still believe that God will touch their hearts.

I want to share with you a scene of the second movie which kind of touched two big areas of my life. It is Lucy talking to Aslan after she just spoke a spell over herself to be her older sister Susan. She wanted to be Susan because of her Beauty but the whole short scene makes her feel terrible. So the spell disappears and Aslan shows up...

(so first the youtube Video of what happens with a song and then the conversation between Lucy and Aslan)

Aslan: Lucy

Lucy: Aslan???

Aslan: What have you done Child?

Lucy: I don't know. That was aweful.

Aslan: But you chose it Lucy!

Lucy: I didn't mean to chose all of that. I just wanted to be beautiful like Susan! That's all!

Aslan: You wished yourself away! And with it much more! Your Brothers and Sister wouldn't know Narnia without you Lucy! You discovered it first, remember??

Lucy: I'm so sorry!

Aslan: You doupt your value! Don't run from who you are.

So that conversation just really touched my heart. How many times do we wish to look like somebody else. But I guess with that desire we wish much more than we actually want. We forget our value and who we are! I have done that so many times. Often I looked at people and I wanted to have something that they had. But now I really try to look in the Miror imagining Aslan(Jesus) standing next to me and warning me saying "love yourself, don't run away from who you are, cause that's what I made you to BE. You have a destiny and I need you for that exactly as who you are". 

And also how he tells her "you have seen Narnia first, without you, your brothers and your sister wouldn't know it". It just gave me so much strenght to be who I am and to follow God's calling. Cause like I said I have also 2 brothers and 1 sister and people have spoken over my life that the way I follow God will touch my family. I will believe in that and really continue to appreciate who I am and how I look cause I think everytime I look in the mirror and think something is wrong Jesus, is standing there with tears in his eyes and telling me "why do you always doupt your value??"!

In our Lords Kingdom we are all Kings and Queens so lets start to think, live and fight like Kings and Queens!

Thanks for reading it and I hope it will encourage you!!

(Theme song)

So the last few weeks I was thinking about my past. Times when I came to a new place and I wanted to impress people. Times I was in a place of speaking in front of a group. I was thinking about what is going through my mind in those moments. Here some thoughts I had in those situations: "How should I give myself to impress them? What would be really smart to say? I really hope they think I look good? Should I be more quiet so people like me? How could I change that they completley accept me?". But I think what I processed most in those last few weeks were times I fell in love. I realized that in the past I compromised some of my standards, just to impress a guy or I tried to change me, my character, the way God made me. I had thoughts like "Maybe he doesn't like my body! No he told me I am beautiful! But why doesn't he like me more than a friend. Oh I think I am to loud. I should be more quiet and interesting. I shouldn't be as extroverted. Maybe I am too holy. I guess I talk about God and his ways way to much. I really gotta figure out what I gotta change to make HIM like me! I guess he would not wait with sex until we get married and he knows that I want to wait. Would he like me if I would sleep with him?".
Those were some thoughts I had in those times. Does that sound familiar to you? Have you had those thoughts before? Isn't it crazy to even spend a second to think like that. Our almighty, loving, all knowing, perfect God calls us his MASTERPIECE and we think about what we could change about ourselves so a person that might not even matter that much in our live could like us a little more. I just think that's crazy. But still we fall into that thinking process over and over again. I guess that really shows that we need God even more. Or at least it helped me to realize that I need him so much more. Cause the world tells me constantly I gotta change. And then I meet a guy and he doesn't like me the way I am. Of course I have to change something. Cause we are in a world that tells you "if you want something, get it no matter what the cost". That's so sad.
I really want to learn to love myself more and more. To be so confident in who I am that I know if someone doesn't like me it is not my fault. It is not something I have to work on. It is because the way God made the other person. And also it is because God has something else for us. Maybe something way different or also maybe to a total different timing than we think is right!
I am really learning to trust the Lord that he made me as his masterpiece. That he was thinking about the perfect plan he has for me when he made me. And that he needs me to be who I am to fulfill this plan!!
So I want to encourage you also to appreciate the way God made you. Appreciate the time he invested of getting your lifeplan ready!! You are perfect and awesome! Believe it!!!

So yesterday I was out with a few friends. I had like an hour to drive home and I was suuuuper tired. The idea of keeping myself awake was praying. So I started praying for the fun time I had out with my friends, their lives, and about the whole process I am learning and wrote about. I listen to some music from an old TV show called "Dawson's Creek". And then the song below came on. It was like God singing a song to me and it made me just laugh!! Here it is: =)